By Julie Tu
You sped until a skyline disappeared behind us. From the edge of a field we watched a sunset. My feet were propped up on your dashboard, my knees drawn to my chest. You laid your head on the wheel.
He broke my heart; you heard it. I used to be alive; you saw it.
You loved her even then. I cried for what I no longer believed in.
This was Spring of two and a half years ago. When I became another bitch on a list, all I said was, “You told me so.” When you insulted me further, I thanked you and left. You called me immediately to apologize. I asked you to forgive me instead, I should have listened.
We threw apples at each other in your backyard. Campfires, movie nights, board games… Your mother is my mother, your brothers are my brothers. Our youngest one cuddles up next to me on the couch; I hold him tighter as I pray he grows up well. “Promise me you’ll never be like them."
You tell me you cannot speak of trauma, but it is unreasonable to fear being hurt by a stranger in a public place. Dear friend, can you speak of trust if not trauma? He told me he loved me.
And it was when I found myself facedown in the dirt
where I learned I could conquer the earth.
When did you decide your worth is only that which comes in someone else’s choice?
When did you discredit your first cry, that screaming announcement that you are present and alive?
When did you dismiss the first time you said, “No,” that infantile assertion of your own willpower and desire?
When did you forget about times with your favorite toys, those afternoons spent flexing your imagination and forming your dreams?
When did you stop taking pride in your bare feet and scraped knees, those symbols of free-spirited adventure?
When did you replace “I” with “what I’ve seen” and first try to change accordingly?
When did you remove “I” entirely and say, “she said,” or “he wants”?
When did you transform your vocal cords into organs of resignation?
When did you label your mind a thing of mistakes?
When did you start covering your scars as if they were symbols of shame?
When did you give away the power to sustain your own sense of value to someone else, someone who has never seen the beauty of your soul or been the victory you are?
When did the concept Yourself start to scare you more than thrill you?